How to Survive a Zombie Attack

“Braaaaaaains.”

- Zombie

Breaking news of a zombie infestation has just hit your airwaves. Panic sets in as you and yours scramble for supplies, build safehouses and mercilessly slaughter the undead. Sure you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead a million times, memorized every token line from Dead Alive, and fornicated while watching Night of the Living Dead, but do you really know what you’d do if zombies started staggering around taking bite sized chunks out of everything with a pulse? Follow this guide to ensure the survival of the human race.

Flare Gun

This is probably one of the most important tools you’ll need. Good for distracting hordes, signaling to rescue teams, and blowing up gas stations. Ammo is limited on these bad boys so use them wisely.

Hand Powered Radio

How are you expecting to rally with the survivors at the extraction point if you can’t figure out where it is? Broadcasts will be sent out over the AM/FM radio waves directing survivors to safe zones. Batteries are not an option, so either hand-crank powered or solar powered radios will work.

Army Rations

Easy. Go down to the Army/Navy surplus store and grab a gross of these dehydrated military rations. They don’t taste like much, but they’ll keep you on your feet. I would imagine if you ate enough of these you’d sweat so much sodium the zombies would ask for a glass of water while eating you.

The Shotgun

Arguably one of the most effective weapons against zombie hordes, especially at close range, is the standard shotgun. Available in both single and double barrels of a variety of sizes and strengths, these ‘boomsticks’ deal the most damage at close range. Shells will be hard to come by so take as many as you can carry!

The Pistol

How are you supposed to palm the butt of the dame you’re rescuing with 2 hands wrapped around your shotty all the time. You need the pistol. Whether you’re busy lighting a smoke, throwing a homemade Molotov cocktail, or just plain copping a feel, the pistol keeps the blood spilling. Be sure to grab a Deset Eagle .50 for ten inch wide exit wounds.

The Chainsaw

If this baby can cut oak trees down, just imagine what it will do to softening, rotting tissue. Decapitations like a hot knife through butter are all yours. Just don’t be an idiot and steal an electric one.

With any luck, you’ll slaughter your way to survival and the human race will live on.

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